Day 3: What person in your life helped you understand the importance of choosing words carefully? What would you say to them if you met them today?

I can’t think of one person in particular who taught me this in any direct way.

I had many great writing teachers, each of whom taught me something different, but all of them to value words and the meanings they express.

But there have been other kinds of teachers, in my personal life, who taught me things I didn’t necessarily want to know.

There have been one or two people who have, regrettably, taught me that your words can be distorted and used against you. Through them I learned how vital it is to be careful what you say, how you say it, and to whom you say it.

I would say to them that trust is an honor that should be earned, and words should be used to connect and clarify, not as weapons to be flung back at the one using them.

I have also known people who didn’t seem to understand the importance of just the right word, or of listening as a sign that you respect and value the person speaking.

As a writer, choosing the best words matters to me, but I also like to take a little extra time to really think about what I want to say when I’m speaking to someone.

Often I have had people react to this moment of thoughtfulness with either discomfort or impatience. They even try to guess at what I’m trying to say, as if I need their help.

And the further implications are that they know what I’ll say, that it isn’t surprising or special, and that my thoughts aren’t worth waiting a few extra seconds to hear expressed well.

Often they guessed wrong, and missed out on the chance to get to know me better and learn another perspective.

My answer to them: listen. You might learn something, even if it’s ‘only’ a new word, or some subtle aspect of who I am that you wouldn’t have known otherwise. Don’t assume I’m so uninteresting that it doesn’t matter if I finish my sentence the way I mean to.

Don’t rush me, or anyone, by filling in an easy, predictable response so it can be your turn to talk again.

On the positive side, there was one therapist, and friend, who confirmed my sense, even when I was a very young woman, that words had power, and could cause damage if not used carefully.

Because I was observant, felt deeply, had strong opinions, and could use words effectively, I had a kind of power that we both knew I needed to use carefully.

At the time I knew my words could cause pain or harm, and so I needed to use them with restraint, like a quiver of sharp arrows, most of which you choose to keep in their sheath. 

Later I realized words can also heal, connect, bridge gaps, teach what is valuable, fill in what is missing. There is something strengthening and life affirming about this sense of power, especially in situations when we might otherwise feel powerless.

Though I have sometimes failed to keep harmful words to myself, I now try to use the power of words for good, by choosing them carefully; by making them positive, respectful and helpful; by not saying what serves no purpose except to sting; and also by not holding back a good word that should be expressed.

So I will say to this ‘teacher,’ as well as to my younger self: thank you for making me aware of this power, so I could gradually learn how to use it well.

Day 2: Writers are artists with words as their medium. What author is your favorite word stylist?

As with day 1, I can’t choose only one.

I love Jane Austen, because she used words so effectively that she taught without people knowing they were being taught, and aimed arrows without the deserving recipients knowing where the sting came from.

She illuminated the unfair inequities, in both class and gender, that marred her society, all under the guise of an entertaining story.

Yet the stories themselves, and especially her artfully drawn character portraits, were so engaging and insightful that they still move readers over 200 years later.

Perhaps her portrayals of the impressive changes people are able and willing to make in their character and behavior were a bit optimistic, but isn’t that part of the job of an artist – to show would could and should be possible? She herself said that even if her own life could not have such a happy ending, she would make sure that her characters eventually would.

One can’t help but wonder, wistfully, what even greater works of art she might have created if she had lived past 41!

Having given credit where credit is due to one novelist who truly deserves to be called an artist, I will now transition to poets and poetry, in my mind the most direct and highest form of verbal art.

Poets are literally word artists, using words as material much the way a painter uses paint. They are able to take language – something common, utilitarian, and available to each of us, and make it something more.

Though I am especially drawn to several contemporary poets, generally preferring the freer forms and modern language of contemporary poetry, I enjoy the work of poets of various times, working in various styles.

I have long been a fan of the intensely emotional, lyrical, and thoughtful German poet, Rainer Rilke, though I’ve been limited to reading his work in translation.

However, if I have to choose one favorite, it would still be the poet I liked first, as a young girl – the probably obvious choice – Emily Dickinson. She was so ahead of her time in the freedom and eccentricity or her form and style.

She conveyed, with amazing ability, a deeply rich inner life that contrasts sharply, almost shockingly, with the extreme, partially self-imposed limits of her external existence.

Like so many artists, she was barely appreciated or known in her lifetime, but achieved a level of posthumous fame and even adulation that would likely have astonished, though perhaps not entirely surprised her.

How great that a week about words, one of my great loves, is depicted by a poster in a beautiful shade of purple, one of my other great loves.

I’m going to put off the promised ‘tomato’ post until next week, so I can participate in a five day writing challenge in honor of Words Matter Week. I believe that idea so much that “words matter” is part of my email signature!

I’m going to try to write one short post each day in answer to each of the five questions provided by NAIWE (national association of independent writer’s and artists, the host for this blog.)

I hope you’ll tune into my blog (www.dianefanucchi.naiwe.com) each day to see my post of the day.

So, here’s day one of #WordsMatterWeek

Words Matter Week Writing Challenge

Day 1: If you had to eliminate one word or phrase from the English language, what would it be? Why?

This is one of those impossible questions, like “what’s your favorite book, food, movie?” You can’t pick only one. At least I can’t.

So I’m going to cheat a little.

First, I’m going to eliminate a whole class of words, then move on to the top two phrases I’d eliminate.

I hate profanity of all kinds and think it has no place in good writing or speech, with a few possible exceptions made necessary by context.

But in general profanity is ugly and annoying and a lazy (you’ll see the irony below) use of language. I’m 51 years old and have not lived in outer space, so it’s not likely I’ll be shocked because I’ve never heard any of the words before. I just hate them, and don’t want to be subjected to them when I read or have a conversation.

In my opinion respect; decency; and love of language, as well as consideration for others, all make all profanity undesirable and unnecessary. Enough said.

Now, on to the phrase I’d eliminate: “just saying.” I don’t feel it conveys anything meaningful or has any real purpose except to make the person using it think they can say anything they want and then seek refuge under this phrase.

Usually people say this after they’ve made a comment that is rude, intrusive, unwanted, or irrelevant, then follow it by “just saying,” so you aren’t supposed to be mad at them because they’ve somehow neutralized it with these two words.

The phrase is annoying by itself, and usually follows something also annoying that the person knows they shouldn’t really say. So, try just “not saying.”

If I could pick a second phrase it would be “you’re lazy.” To me, that usually just means that the other person isn’t doing what YOU want them to do, or isn’t doing it in the way or at the time you want them to do it. Then you want them to feel bad about themselves for not meeting your expectations.

It’s mean, controlling, and probably not true.

Do you see a theme here? None of these are kind, nice, considerate of the other person, or particularly insightful. They’re about imposing something on someone rather than listening.

So, let’s go out and have a day free of ugly words, pointless words, and unkind words. There are plenty of other, better words to choose from.

Choose carefully, because words matter.

6. We’re not in a hurry all the time.

Likely in your twenties, thirties, and forties, you had a full-time job, tried to grow your career, reared children, served on committees, and on and on. Sometimes it was hard to catch your breath and enjoy life as it happened.

Now you are probably still busy, still working, still living an active life, but likely you are also juggling a little less, over the hardest part of the learning curve, and able to slow down a little. Make the most of it. Life goes by fast anyway; we don’t need to make it feel faster by not savoring the moment. The clock, like any tool or technology, should serve us, not be our master.

7. We are in a unique position to help those both younger and older than we are.

We’re right in the middle. We know more and have experienced more than those who are younger, and we can tell them things about life we wish someone had told us. We have likely gained some perspective that can help us and others.

We also probably have more strength and ability in some areas than those older than us. We can drive them where they need to go, shop for them, or just listen. They’ve been where we are – now we can pay some of it back, and still learn from them as well.

Some people call this the “sandwich generation,” where we face the demands of children and parents. But we can also benefit from this place in the middle, learning from and teaching the generations on either side of us.

Take just two examples:

1. Technology – likely those younger than us know more about modern technology than we do, and can teach us some of its uses and benefits. It’s also likely that we already know more about such things than those older than us, and we can patiently help them to use the benefits of technology as well.

2. Culture – while we have lived history that happened before later generations were even born, and can teach them about former ways of life, we can also benefit from the viewpoint of youth, renewing our energy, enthusiasm, and the sense of what is possible. Similarly we can keep learning from those who lived before us, and share our somewhat younger perspective with them.

8. Age doesn’t really matter so much, so we can be more open to friendships with those older and younger than ourselves.

This is basically a continuation of point 7, but it’s about more than just learning and helping, but about a true personal exchange with a variety of people of different ages and ways of thinking. When we view others, whatever their age, with an open mind and heart, we can broaden our viewpoint, deepen our empathy, and have meaningful exchanges that enrich everyone involved.

We may even try new things we’d never considered before, and enjoy spending time with people we might previously have overlooked.

My whole life I’ve enjoyed friendships with people much older than me, but more recently, as I’m less and less often the youngest person in the room, I’m learning to enjoy friendships with people much younger than me as well, and it does help me feel younger too.

9. There is still plenty we can do now to help to improve our physical and mental health in the coming decades.

We can keep using our bodies and our minds, learn new things, eat well, make a contribution, and take care of ourselves and our relationships in countless beneficial ways.

What we do, and don’t do, what we eat, and don’t eat, how we take care of ourselves, how active we are, physically and mentally, can help or harm our well-being as we age. This one, with some research, could become its own post. What do you think?

10. We can have fun.

Since we probably have fewer “have-to-do’s” in our lives, we have more time for “want-to- do’s.” What do you really want to do with the time and energy you have? This time of life is a great opportunity to have fun, seek adventure, and view the remaining years as full of possibility.

We also don’t care as much about what people think, and many in their late middle years have grand-children, so there are built-in excuses to play and try being young again.

Personally I love reading children’s books, both those I remember fondly from my childhood, and those written more recently. I love the sense of innocence and “anything is possible,” as well as the realism and psychological insight that many new books for children and teenagers feature. It’s a great way to tap into youthful thinking, to play, and to de-stress with the soothing ritual of a “bedtime story.”

If our development is reversed, in the sense that the elderly are sometimes considered child-like again, our middle years can be a kind of second adolescence. A better one because there’s less teenage angst, fewer rules, no high-school, and more freedom, but there can still be a sense of anticipation, energy, and possibility.

If adolescents are starting their adult lives, we late middles are re- starting them. It’s time to rejuvenate and consider, with a sense of excitement, what possibilities can still lie ahead for us.

In my last post, I admitted that I would actually consider 10 great things about being 50 plus, instead of 50. But I challenge you to keep adding to your own list, and I’ll do the same.

In the last two posts, I talked about one of my favorite clients, who reached 100 years old, and by extension how we can help and enjoy the people we know who are 80 and beyond.

There is still a lot more to say about, and learn from, people in their final decades, and we all hope to get to those high numbers, and to do it well.

But for those of us in the ‘middle’ years, there are a lot of advantages for us to enjoy, some that we didn’t have twenty five ago, and some that might not be as available in 25 more years. So let’s appreciate what we’ve gained, and reap the benefits as fully as we can now.

Okay, maybe not actually fifty things, but that sounded good in the headline. Let’s try for 10, and see how far we get.

Of course these are generalizations, and mostly based on my own experience, but I think most of them will ring true to others at least a little past 50.

1. We don’t care as much what people think.

   Of course we should care how other people feel, and we’re interested in at least considering the thoughts and opinions of the people close to us. But peer pressure? Self-doubt? Spending a lot of energy worrying about whether people in general like you, approve of you, find you ‘cool’ or whatever? Not so much.

   We’ve learned to be comfortable with who we are and what we can uniquely contribute. That’s a great place to be.

2. We have experience.

   Yes, some of that experience undoubtedly comes with scars. But all of it adds to our depth and strength, helps us make wiser choices, gives us more to contribute, and can make us more empathetic toward others. We also know more about what we want – and don’t want — for our remaining years in terms of work, relationships, life goals, and all the rest.

3. We have more confidence.

   Item 1 – not caring so much if others are judging us, and item 2 – having more experience in all aspects of life, combine to give us item 3. We trust our judgment and skills more, and don’t listen so much to all the chatter, including the self- criticism we might have struggled with when we were younger.

I’m not afraid of people anymore, or of trying new things. If I ask for something and they say no, it’s not a tragedy. Neither is it one if they don’t want to be my friend because I won’t pretend to be something I’m not. And if I try something new and it doesn’t work, I learned something and will probably do better next time. The earth will not shatter if I try and fail. But if I don’t try, I keep my world smaller than it needs to be. Now is a great time to try new things, and see where they can take us.

4. We don’t embarrass as easily.

Since we don’t worry as much about what others think, and since we have experience that tells us what is and is not really important, we’re more likely to give ourselves a break and not obsess over our small mistakes.

Case in point: The other day I was walking up a street in my neighborhood. I thought I heard someone call my name, so I looked across the street and found a group of people walking by and talking loudly. I waved, smiled, said hello, and tried to pretend I knew at least one of them, while searching my memory.

Then I realized they weren’t really talking to me after all! Oh, well. I shook my head at myself, laughed a little, and moved on.

5. It’s not too late to start new chapters, or re-write old ones.

Don’t love your job? Get a different one. Never lived your dream of writing a book, traveling the world, starting a business, learning a third language, or ballroom dancing, or whatever? Start doing it now.

Not thrilled with how some of your relationships have turned out, or not fulfilled by how you spend your days? You can work to improve those things. Break the old mold and invent a new one. Take that confidence, that time, that experience – good and bad, and use it to do something new or to do it better.

Disclaimer: In the case of people, I definitely don’t mean to discard them and start over. Nor do I mean insist on having it all your way. I mean discard the ways of communicating or relating that aren’t working, and work together to make it better.

Well, that’s five. Let’s try for five more next time. And please let me know what you think: what you agree with, what you disagree with, what you would add, and if you even like the topic. Thanks.

5. Look at an older person when they talk to you, and really listen.

When someone has trouble hearing, it helps to look straight at them, so when you speak it’s easier to make out what you’re saying. It also shows interest and respect. Don’t look at your phone, your computer screen, your feet, or the other person in the room.

A note for health care professionals: it is especially important for you to look at your elderly patients or clients. If you take notes on your computer and constantly look away, it will be harder for them to hear and understand what you say, and they’ll feel ignored. Also, try not to talk to a younger companion, just because it’s quicker and easier.

Believe me, I speak from experience. On more than one occasion G.’s doctor and I both got in trouble for speaking to each other about G., instead of to her. The doctor was trying to get the information she needed as expediently as possible, and I was trying to make sure everything I’d observed, and what I felt was important, got communicated.  But it was G.’s appointment, not mine, and she let us know it. No competent adult who has taken care of herself for decades wants to be talked over as if she were a child.

Looking at the person, and listening, shows respect. It will help you both communicate more effectively. It also shows that the person still matters, and you care what they have to say. And you will likely learn something worthwhile.

6. Keep your mind and body as active as possible for as long as possible.

G. had been an athlete when she was young, and stayed active all her life. I think she went swimming often in her later years, but by the time I met her, at 91, she had to be happy with more modest pursuits. Still she had her own little exercise routine that she did nearly every day, and we often went for short walks.

Some of the things she could do — like lie down and lift her leg over her head, or bend over while standing and touch her feet – were beyond my reach, literally. I have never had much flexibility, but she maintained hers when she was decades older than me.

She also kept her mind active. She read a daily newspaper, kept up on current events, and read books. She did crossword puzzles from the paper and we played Scrabble or cards. She could carry on an interesting conversation, and as a retired bookkeeper kept her checkbook, her house, and her life in meticulous order.

G. also worked until she was at least 80, and then did volunteer work after that. She maintained an active interest in life, and still lived it – despite the increasing limitations of age — as fully as she could.

I have observed that if you choose not to use your mind or your body, they won’t come through for you when you need them. But if you keep them exercised, they’ll still serve you well, and your life will be more interesting too, because you are really living it, not just watching it go by.

7. Being a little stubborn can help you survive.

G. went through some difficult times in her life – she lost her mother at a young age; she lived through the depression and several wars; she moved from South Dakota to California as a young woman on her own and supported herself and built a new life; she raised a child on her own, starting in her forties. She worked until she was at least 80, and took care of herself all her life.

You don’t survive and thrive through all those challenges without some backbone, and maybe a bit of an “I can do it myself and my way” attitude. This does not always make it easy for family members or caregivers to help, and there were days when I wished there was just a little less “fight” in her, but that strong will helped her accomplish what she needed to.

8. Cherish your time together.

None of us knows how much time we’ll have. But when you have a friend or family member who has already outlived the average life span, that reality becomes more poignant. Enjoy each day, each moment, each story. Treasure them away, so that person will live on in your heart, and you might even be able to share some of their personal history, and some of the lessons you’ve learned, with others.

It’s often the small things you’ll remember later. Taking time to enjoy a cup of tea and a cookie together, or to look at old pictures; really listening to a story of what it was like to live in other times and places; sharing a good laugh over something small but meaningful to both of you.

And giving of yourself to help someone, even when it isn’t always easy, offering the gift of care, of living at home instead of in a ‘home’, of making a day less lonely — these are all things that make a difference, and become gifts to you as well, enriching your life immeasurably.

And remember, if someone is older and lives alone, sharing a meal together with them, whether it’s something you’ve prepared yourself or just a frozen dinner you warmed up, can really mean a lot. They will feel less alone, and they will eat more, so you have helped sustain someone in two ways, and with much more benefit than if you simply dropped off the food and then left. And this will allow you to enjoy their company as well.

So treasure the living historians in your life. Be as patient as you can. Don’t forget to see, and share, the joy and humor in the little things. You can help make the last years of someone’s life more connected and companionable and a little easier, and you will be storing up memories you can take out and savor for years to come.