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Catalog Copy Samples

1. Massage Chair
The Next Best Thing to Getting a Professional Massage Every Day.
This advanced massage chair is intelligently designed to adjust automatically to individual body shapes, while biofeedback targets your body’s tension areas. So each family member gets a personalized massage!
Further customize by choosing from 4 settings – Stiffness, Recovery, Relax, or Fine. You’ll love the grasping, kneading massage around your shoulders and neck, while your back, legs, and feet are pampered by shiatsu, tapping, and rolling techniques. As you stretch out, using the power recline feature and adjustable footrest, your feet and lower legs receive a deep massage.
The easy-to-use control panel comes with 20 massage programs, with selectable speed and intensity. In attractive black faux leather. 47”x 29” x 49” upright; 27” x 49” x 76” fully reclined. Weight: 154 lbs.

2. The Bissell Zing Canister Vacuum
short version
Need a Vacuum that’s a breeze to use and easily stands up to long hair?
Then the Bissell Zing is your dream vacuum. This light-weight canister glides effortlessly over carpets and hard floors, cleaning deeply and efficiently, with better suction than some heavier vacuums. All this, and it’s easy to maintain.
Hate cleaning the vacuum before you clean? Say goodbye to hacking through stubborn coils of hair wrapped around a beater brush. Just retract the carpet brush, and hair comes right to the surface. Simply pull it off in one piece and you’re ready to go.
Long version
Thinking of shaving off your long, beautiful hair?
I used to contemplate it nearly every time I vacuumed my carpet. Sometimes it seemed like more work just to untangle the wads of hair wound around the beater-brush than it did to do the vacuuming.
Then a friend, a professional cleaner, suggested the Bissell Zing. This light-weight canister glides over my plush carpet much more easily than my old upright – and has better suction.
Better yet, now I don’t have to struggle to clean the hair off the brush before I can actually do the vacuuming. It used to be like doing two jobs, just to accomplish one. Sawing through a tough wad of hair in a tight space with a knife is not only a big hassle, but a little bit dangerous too. Needless to say, I didn’t vacuum nearly as often as I should have.
Now I almost enjoy vacuuming! I just push the brush retract button and the hair comes out in one rope that I simply grab and throw away. I’m ready to begin in no time, and finish faster too because the suction is not hindered by all that hair I kept meaning to deal with.
With the Bissell Zing, you can get the hair out in seconds, get the vacuuming done in minutes, and get on with your life. Maybe you’ll use the extra time to wash your hair.

Suggested re-writes of existing text

3.Pure Valley Retinol Cream

Original copy

Look 20 Years Younger…Without Surgery!

Retinol is known for its incredible ability to erase the appearance of fine lines & wrinkles and return a youthful glow taking years off your looks. Age-defying formula includes vitamin E and natural skin-restoring herbs to moisturize and soften. 2 oz. Jar.

(Italics mine)

Reasons for suggested changes: Since I care intensely about correct language usage and grammar, for me that phrase after “youthful glow,” without a comma to introduce the transition, makes the whole difference in this copy block. The inclusion of that comma alone could greatly improve the whole text, adding readability and respectability.

My revision

Look 20 Years Younger…Without Surgery!

Retinol is known for its incredible ability to erase the appearance of fine lines & wrinkles and return a youthful glow, taking years off your looks. Age-defying formula includes vitamin E and natural skin-restoring herbs to moisturize and soften. 2 oz. jar.

If I wanted to re-write the whole block, it might look something like this.

Look 20 Years Younger…Without Surgery!

The star of this age-defying cream is retinol, known for its incredible ability to erase the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, taking years off your face while restoring a youthful glow. Vitamin E and skin-restoring herbs round out this moisturizing formula. 2 oz. jar.

4. Ultrasound Flea & Tick Shield (from In the Company of Dogs)

Original copy.

Ultrasound Flea & Tick Shield

Innovative transmitter tag uses modern ultrasound technology by emitting a series of ultrasonic pulses, proven in studies to safely ward off fleas and ticks without harm to your dog. Attaches easily to dog’s collar with included split-ring connector. For indoor/outdoor use. Battery included. ¾” diam.

Reasons for suggested changes: Let’s start with benefits. I’ve cut a little of the technical language and wordy phrasing and started with how this product will make the customer’s life easier.

My revision.

Ultrasound Flea and Tick Shield

No chemicals, no mess, no fleas! Innovative transmitter tag emits a series of ultrasonic pulses, proven in studies to safely ward off fleas and ticks without harm to your dog. Easily attaches to dog’s collar with included split-ring connector. Works inside and outside. Battery included. ¾” diam.

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